Tuesday, May 26, 2009

it's only 90 minutes

today is tristan's two month birthday. it's wild to think that if he'd waited until his due date, he'd be only three weeks old, but about the same size. last thursday he was 12lbs 7oz. he is thriving.

i'm a little shy writing about this, shy that i will be judged. shy about whining. shy that it's dull subject matter for most, and perhaps not blog appropriate. but it's been on my mind since the day tristan was born, and this morning, it is what i find falling from my fingertips at the keyboard--

--in a month i will return to work.

on the bright side: i work part time, my hours are extremely flexible, i can work some of my hours from home, i can bring the baby to my workplace and i work with a bunch of awesome people at a place with an awesome mission. on the dark side: is the feeling of dread. i am a barefoot earth mama at heart, and would be perfectly happy staying at home with my kids, squeezing in time to write and sew and collage and photograph and garden, while bringing in some money doing doula work. but in this economy, at the age of 41, with significant rent and a kid in private school, staying at home won't cut it. at least not in the immediate future.

i know we will adjust and it will simply become the new normal. dan's hours are flexible for when i'm finding it challenging having to drag a baby and a 'tween into my workplace. my mother has said that she would move to virginia should i need alternate child care. but i will first see how well i can juggle it on my own: the baby, the work, the wish to craft, the young daughter on the brink of adolescence.

i worry about how it will be when tristan is crawling and then walking. i worry about being preoccupied with work matters, when i'd rather that energy be spent mothering. i worry about being overwhelmed, about not having any time to pursue my creative interests, about the doula work possibly falling aside in favor of the guaranteed paycheck.

but i know that really, i am extremely fortunate.

i have already started clocking some hours working from home. and today i am attending a work related seminar. it's only 90 minutes. dan will take that time away from his work, meet me in the parking lot, take off in the car with the baby, pick up tashi from school, come back and meet me with the children when i'm done, and work a little later to make up for the time he was away. surely tristan will make it for 90 minutes without needing to nurse. he will probably be asleep in the car seat the whole time. but will i remain alert through the seminar? will i even manage to make it there on time, showered and well fed? will my mushy mommy brain be able to wrap itself around the subject matter while my breast milk lets down and the sound of tristan's sweet coo fills my ears? it's only 90 minutes.

these are the thoughts on my mind this steamy, rainy morning, as i sit next to my sweet little boy, who dreams under the ceiling fan, and with each new day, grows and changes.

Friday, May 22, 2009

official member of the fan club

five minute post

i say that because the baby has been waking up every five minutes today. more daytime wakefulness is probably a good thing, so that he doesn't continue to stay up until 1am every night. but it sure makes it hard to eat lunch, clean the spit up off the floor, do the necessary load of laundry so that there will be diaper wraps, brush my own teeth, etc!

yet i am going to sneak in a blog entry, because i need to. i just need to check in.

oh and, we've learned something very special. the baby will fall asleep by himself if placed on the bed directly under the ceiling fan. last night i placed him there because i had to go to the bathroom (even taking a pee involves strategy). who needs baby mobiles when you have ceiling fans. anyway, when i came back from the bathroom, he was asleep!!!! i didn't sing to him, rock him, walk him or nurse him. the ceiling fan did it all. today, with his lack of settling, i did the same thing, and he fell right asleep, under the comfort of the ceiling fan! crazy, i say.

the weather is lovely, though i feel the impending virginia humidity making it's way.

yesterday i visited the barn swallow. a lovely place that i worked at when i first moved to virginia.

a place of reflections, wood grain and the colors of earth & sea.

a place of fragile beauty, amazing light and pleasing juxtapositions.

i always feel very much at peace there. except for all the things i wish i could buy but can't afford. . .

tonight we are going to a birthday party for a very special one year old whose birth i witnessed. i offered to make guacamole. and since i've exceeded my five minutes already, i better get on with it! wishing you all a lovely holiday weekend full of the tastes of summer.

Friday, May 15, 2009

making me smile

* the way tristan smacks his lips when he's done nursing. good stuff that breast milk.

* that dan and i were able to catch up on some sleep while tashi was in nyc. no jumping out of bed at 6:45am to get her ready for school.

* the lady's slippers growing along our road

* tashi's excitement after the waldorf olympics in garden city, ny. along with her classmates, she climbed off the train with a metal around her neck and a laurel garland on her head.

* that it's friday, meaning my loves will be home all weekend, between band gigs and baseball games, that is.

* chai milkshakes

* that tashi has gained so much physical confidence through baseball this season.

* the white irises in our yard.

* my cat luna who walked down the road with us like a pet dog. she stopped obediently well before the main road, waited there until our return, and then walked home with us.

* free music. like the ginny pigdogs, a band that my friend/doula stasi york is in. we saw them at cafe milano last night before picking up tashi from the train station.

i hope your weekend is full of music, flowers, a favorite milkshake and people that make you smile.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

spit fashion

i spent an entire nap time cranking out bibs today. all are backed by flannel, except for the bottom right bib, which is backed by a red washcloth (i have several unused red washcloths that have now found their purpose). tristan has developed a rather voluminous spit up habit, and bibs definitely minimize the number of times we have to change his damp, milk sour clothing.

though he appears a bit dubious, does he not?

the above bib is made from indian khadi cut from some pj's that no longer fit me due to shrinkage. i bought those pj's in delhi, at the Khadi Gramodyog Bhavan, one of the last purchases i made in that great land.

Friday, May 08, 2009

the view from here

it is a morning of illuminated leaves.

tristan lies in a little bundle next to me, making soft and sometimes not-so-soft sounds.

yesterday was probably one of his most wakeful days, but then he was asleep by 9:30 at night, waking every few hours to nurse, drifting easily back into sleep. this is far preferable to the 8pm to 1am wakeful stretch, something he has done a number of times. or the two hour stints from 3am to 5am, for example.

i think of the day ahead of me. that it is not raining! hopefully we can take a nice walk and visit the horses.

and hopefully i can check a couple of things off of the to-do list. one simply can't be too ambitious with a six week old. several hours later i find myself completing a task that should have taken only five minutes. the tea i prepare in the morning might sit on the counter only to be consumed in the afternoon. the baby mobile might be complete by the time he is in kindergarten. and maybe by autumn i'll have sorted and arranged all of our summer clothes.

but for now i will enjoy the morning light, a moment of relaxation and reflection, and the variety of sounds emerging from the little bundle that lies next to me.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

easy rider

10 pounds 7.5 ounces today. that's nearly a full pound since last wednesday!

Monday, May 04, 2009

a few good firsts

despite the monsoon we've had an active weekend of firsts for tristan. on friday he went to his first baseball game, in which tashi stole two bases and scored a point for her team (a first for her). it was an exciting game and her team won the tie breaker. tristan slept through the whole game of course.

on saturday tristan visited the farmer's market for the first time and met some vendor-friends in his sleep. i purchased this tiny painting of an aries by jeremy kirchgraber for our little ram.

afterwards, we had lunch at milano, where tristan met more friends (while sleeping still). it was a delicious, and affordable, lunch. i highly recommend their sauteed romaine salad with pine nuts and blue cheese. nyum. here are my loves at milano:

a while later we visited tashi's favorite store, alakazam, where we were given a free family pass for the discoveroo family music festival, slated for sunday in the pavilion! cool!

that night, tristan had a growth spurt. just like that. he was super cranky, wanted to eat constantly and was awake from 6:30pm to 12:30am. six hours of wakefulness? this was a first. i haven't weighed him again, but he's definitely put on some ounces!

on sunday, despite the fatigue, and the pouring rain, we got ourselves together and went to the discoveroo event, tristan's first music festival, which he attended in his sleep of course. it was an excellent little happening, indeed. it was somewhat ironic seeing bands with names like 6 day bender and the young divorcees singing children's songs.

in the mean time, our yard continues to be a place of floral surprises. can anyone identify the big hot pink blossom at the top of this entry?



baseball, food, growth, music & flowers, these are the good things in life!