toward transition

the days unfold. i have few words. we are busy, i am busy, tristan is busy. i have few words because he pulls them out of me all day long. one question tumbles after another. my own observations skitter like grain on the floor as i am called to all that fascinates him. he is my overtime jester. my every gesture. a graduate course in spontaneity and diplomacy.

simultaneously i'm experiencing that dread transition that begs the question, who knows where the time goes? late at night, i consider the passing of years. the change upon us. the moments, the chapters, the much too muchness in so little time.

tashi is graduating from waldorf school in three weeks and no matter how much i might want to, there is no putting the brakes on it. 

she has been in the waldorf system since preschool. 

i blink beautiful wet on wet watercolors. 

as she sprints toward a transition to high school i try not to slip backwards. 

the rough & tumble four year old who galloped into preschool with eager joy is now a young lady, our bright & thoughtful beauty looking forward to expanded horizons.

there is a sadness i'm keeping at bay, for certain, as she moves out of such an ideal haven for learning. 

and while i mourn the fact that all her school artwork and self made text books are haphazardly stored in milk crates and failing portfolios and dank boxes that have lived in basements, garages and crawl spaces, i must remind myself that really it's all in her. a solid crystalline foundation rises within her to greet the new dawn.

i wish this was a more dynamic video, but it's one of my favorite songs by sandy denny and fairport convention:

celebrating our mother

what better way to celebrate mother's day than by honoring mother earth. 

we took a hike yesterday on lower rip rap trail, making our way to a swimming hole of some repute.

it's been a while since we've gone on a family hike, and it was really pure bliss.

a water song played the entire time as we danced around the rippling stream.

there were a variety of bugs and blossoms, rock walls and fungal outcroppings.

the swimming hole was a beautiful aquamarine, with a gentle waterfall flowing into it.

 i waded around the waters, but it was too cold to dive headlong into the deep center, tempted though i was.

i came out of it feeling better than i have in over two weeks (i've been suffering a horrible malaise). and i was reminded of what really matters. when it all comes down to it, mother earth is queen.

tomorrow i will play more

i am feeling a little down on my mama-self lately.

it seems i do so much multi-tasking with tristan, i am afraid to count how many times a day i say just a minute to him.

there are the everyday tasks: laundry, cooking, tidying (notice i didn't say cleaning), dealing with pressing concerns and correspondence. and there are my various creative projects that i try to sneak in, perhaps too often. and then there is just distraction: facebook. email.

and there is his 14 year old sister. she needs time too!

we certainly spend quality time together, and a lot of it. but i feel like i'm lacking in the playfulness category. i like to do activities together: crafts, puzzles, reading, cooking, outdoor discovery. but i'm not so good at the full on imaginative play, which i'm pretty sure, is his most favorite thing.

yesterday morning, while i was totally sick on the couch, i was listening to dan and tristan imitating dragons and chasing each other around the house. no wonder he often asks for daddy when he wakes up from his nap (he is napping right now, by the way, a giant nap, which means he'll be up with the owls tonight).

and then there are the times when i sit down for a full on session of gnome house, or playmobil, or line-the-trucks-up-for-a-race, or tree blocks, and everything i do must be undone. no, that gnome doesn't belong there! or i'm going to pull the wheels off this truck you wanted to zoom! or i'm going to move these pieces of the game to the opposite side of the room or i am right this minute going to destroy that house of blocks you so carefully built or that stone is not a stone and that cow is not a cow and that fairy is not a fairy! i ask myself, why do i even try?

and maybe trying shouldn't be part of the formula. just do-ing. and re-doing. and not being attached to a single thing.

i'm pretty sure i've written about this before. . .

mamas, i ask you, how much time do you spend cross legged on the floor, simply playing?

how do you go about parceling your day into play, tasks, personal fulfillment and online communication? do you have a schedule, a formula, a rhythm, or does it all just arise? when do you process those photos, blog, play, do the dishes, figure out the week's menu, play, launder, sweep, do yard work, play, stimulate your intellect, learn something new, protest the powers that be, do your homework, play, work on that photo book gift project, meet your writing deadline, sew, work, play?

how often are you online? how do you keep that single communicative link with the outside world (especially if you live in isolation) under control?

and did i skip exercise? the ever elusive-to-me, exercise?

i know i am so incredibly lucky to be able to stay at home with my little guy. i wouldn't want it any other way. and i love him beyond words. but he is an intense little fellow. and i am not the young urban mama i was with his big sister (though i know i was a multi tasking maniac with her too). why do i so often find myself pledging, before a night's rest, tomorrow i will play more, and finding the following night that the time spent still seems inadequate?