it's only 90 minutes

today is tristan's two month birthday. it's wild to think that if he'd waited until his due date, he'd be only three weeks old, but about the same size. last thursday he was 12lbs 7oz. he is thriving.

i'm a little shy writing about this, shy that i will be judged. shy about whining. shy that it's dull subject matter for most, and perhaps not blog appropriate. but it's been on my mind since the day tristan was born, and this morning, it is what i find falling from my fingertips at the keyboard--

--in a month i will return to work.

on the bright side: i work part time, my hours are extremely flexible, i can work some of my hours from home, i can bring the baby to my workplace and i work with a bunch of awesome people at a place with an awesome mission. on the dark side: is the feeling of dread. i am a barefoot earth mama at heart, and would be perfectly happy staying at home with my kids, squeezing in time to write and sew and collage and photograph and garden, while bringing in some money doing doula work. but in this economy, at the age of 41, with significant rent and a kid in private school, staying at home won't cut it. at least not in the immediate future.

i know we will adjust and it will simply become the new normal. dan's hours are flexible for when i'm finding it challenging having to drag a baby and a 'tween into my workplace. my mother has said that she would move to virginia should i need alternate child care. but i will first see how well i can juggle it on my own: the baby, the work, the wish to craft, the young daughter on the brink of adolescence.

i worry about how it will be when tristan is crawling and then walking. i worry about being preoccupied with work matters, when i'd rather that energy be spent mothering. i worry about being overwhelmed, about not having any time to pursue my creative interests, about the doula work possibly falling aside in favor of the guaranteed paycheck.

but i know that really, i am extremely fortunate.

i have already started clocking some hours working from home. and today i am attending a work related seminar. it's only 90 minutes. dan will take that time away from his work, meet me in the parking lot, take off in the car with the baby, pick up tashi from school, come back and meet me with the children when i'm done, and work a little later to make up for the time he was away. surely tristan will make it for 90 minutes without needing to nurse. he will probably be asleep in the car seat the whole time. but will i remain alert through the seminar? will i even manage to make it there on time, showered and well fed? will my mushy mommy brain be able to wrap itself around the subject matter while my breast milk lets down and the sound of tristan's sweet coo fills my ears? it's only 90 minutes.

these are the thoughts on my mind this steamy, rainy morning, as i sit next to my sweet little boy, who dreams under the ceiling fan, and with each new day, grows and changes.