2015 is a bridge

i had the best intentions for regular posts in december.

yet a few sleep cycles after my last early december entry i found myself at solstice.



what happened in those weeks?



dan, tashi, tristan and i each fell ill at least twice. there were choir assemblies and orchestra concerts and craft shows. a winter bazaar unwound. work was engaging and intense with the final push into the buying season. and there was my own buying season. checklists. holiday parties. a few missed engagements.







then in the post christmas daze; languid and luxurious down time at home. we played, napped, ate, walked the dog, allowed ourselves to  let go of duty or necessity outside of the immediate. a relaxed suspension.

and now the suspension has snapped, leaving us falling headlong into the maw of 2015!

in our usual fashion, the yule tree remains up to remind us that the wonder of life in the coldest season continues to be a wonder even after the commercialism dies down. the growing light is just beginning to grow, and we continue to nurture and savor it. winter is here, the baking has begun, the hearth fire blazes, and there are long spells ahead of indoor family time while the cold licks at our windows.

2014 was an amazing year of creative and professional growth, a year of feeling challenged and alive and mostly healthy. it's been a magical year of attention and intention. it's been a year of music, the senses, and small journeys. it has not been without its darkest moments, but i'd have to say the light continues to win.



what are some of the highlights of 2014?

in 2014 i wrote. early in the year when cleaning out my desk i came across an older poem that inspired me to continue. while the commitment and opportunity ebbed and flowed, i became much more regular in scheduling writing time. as a result i have a body of work that continues to call me.



in 2014 i became a product photographer. i do hesitate to call myself a photographer, as the learning curve continues to arch over me, sometimes daunting, sometimes taunting. but it's been an amazing experience of growth and fulfillment, combining the technical with the creative, and doing something i never dreamed i'd do. or perhaps i did dream it, but never thought i'd get there, get to the place where art and career merge.

in 2014 my doula work brought many amazing births, each one teaching me something new about endurance and sacrifice and pain and surrender and surprise and acceptance and infinite love. i feel honored and fortunate to have worked with such sweet individuals who invited me to share in their biggest miracle. i can't begin to encapsulate in a few sentences the feeling in that space, where a mom does what she can to tolerate the waves of pain that deliver new life, where i do all that i can to help her feel supported and heard and comforted. how did i find my way to this astonishing path?

in 2014 my husband turned 50 and foxy. need i say more?



in 2014 one child began their journey into grade school, while the other began to investigate colleges. it is unbearable and unbelievable.

in 2014 my daughter self published a book of great wisdom, vision, and emotional insight (and a very clever story to boot). can a mother burst from pride? she also started driving, went to africa, worked, and took tons of cool photos. she is one of the funnest people on earth to hang out with too. 

in 2014 we took some little roadtrips, visited the beach a few times, camped, went to new york city, and discovered asheville, nc. road trips are life blood, even short road trips have the power to renew.



in 2014 we adopted a border collie from the atlantic central region border collie rescue. she has brought us so much joy, exercise, and introspection. there is nothing like late night walks in the cold clear night under an infinity of stars. and with skye, power walks are the only option.





there are many other things. small things, and large, like learning how to work a hula hoop up around my neck and back down. winning tickets to all sorts of concerts, including the festy. deepening friendships. the awe and fear of being mother to a boy. the pleasure of having my own mother nearby and the challenge of her health. these are lessons and experiences that 2014 offered up.



what are my resolutions, so to speak, for 2015? well here are some. . .

* learning all that i can about photography!
* keeping my creative vision fresh and alive
* health! continuing to exercise in ways that strengthen my core and bring out the youth that remains!
* boundaries
* openings
* having more confidence
* balance between work, family, internet, intellect!



And so I close with the last of the secret reading series for now. Maybe someday my manuscript will be published and you can read the poems in between this most recent piece, written just a few days ago, and the previous, written last spring.

secret reading series 8 from Zoe Krylova on Vimeo.

Nightshift 32

sea sunk

into the sequoia 

circus fish and dancing tentacles

anchored

advanced cheese with musk uncorked

tarka added to lentils

fried onion 
fruity compote

thin black lines

folded in knots 

wrapped in a glyph

under drop cloth

moth alights from palm

trail of effort in windswept parchment

breath bottled in summer shell exhales

sentence left to fry tumbles

unsettling the damp

taste this rare sliced organ

blush still the remaining life

sweet red cara cara orange

in a season we call ripe

he will study honeycomb 

extracting shadow halls and glinting stone

there is a bullet ridden cottage in an old box camera 

on a sea bluff once called home

through pipelines of couch upholstery and hell red coal

through stiff sad memory in bones

sluicing the salt water slip

lowering the buckets 

~ Zoe Krylova, January, 2015

at the edge

tristan took a nap after preschool today, which always means he'll be up late into the night. so we decided to fill the time a bit by going on a sunset jaunt after dinner. the evening was getting on already, but we went to a favorite spot along the moormans river, where there are some big rocks jutting out of the earth. we walked a path to the top of the rocks and hung out there as the sun descended. there were some lovely red flowers emerging from crags, and we knew we'd picked the right spot.

i learned this evening that i am terrified of having tristan anywhere near a sheer cliff. suffice it to say, i had a very bad dream once. several times i felt the panic rise in me as he pranced and danced upon the top of that big rock. dan and i were vigilant in our protection, and tristan was angry that we were squashing his buzz. he claimed that he was perfectly aware of the edge, but i was feeling driven by fear, and i hate being that passenger. 

what really concerns you when it comes to the safety of your small child? how do you get the message across without making them feel incapable of good judgment?

sunday round up

the camellias are blooming



our neighbor horse (nickname: sparky) was moved to the closest pasture along our road. we like this because it is almost as if we have a horse pet. the grass is so good in that pasture that he ignored me when i came by with a bag full of apple slices .



autumn. yes autumn. i love it. yet it is so bittersweet.



yesterday i went to a nice baby shower. great food, friendly people, and an awesome mama to be.



also yesterday, tristan had his first meal of solid food. he has recently attempted to intercept our food and drink before it reaches our mouths. that, combined with the looks of extreme longing and envy he gives us when we eat, convinced me it was time to give him some tastes. i mooshed up a wee bit of banana and mixed a little breastmilk in. i think he was pleased, what do you think?



today i am feeling a little blue. i'm not sure why. could it be the seasonal change? talks of escalating war in afghanistan? too much flu, too many ticks? sadness for those who have lost babies? fatigue? the weekend concluding too soon? miserable dreams? my own babies growing too fast?

i can't quite pin point it. thus, i will bake. when feeling sad, make a coffee cake i say. onward. . .

self portrait: tuesday

it was almost 10am and i hadn't eaten a thing yet. there were two peaches beginning to round the bend toward inedibility. chai was calling. so what could be better for breakfast than a slice (or two) of ginger peach cake with my chai? tristan snuggled in the sling comfortably while i put it all together. he was asleep when it was time to slide the cake into the oven. when a warm slice was on a plate next to my full mug of chai, he was awake. i had to apologize several times to him as i consumed cake and he scrutinized it with extreme interest.

lately, when tristan is having a peaceful moment of snuggles, he sucks his thumb, and presses his opposite hand to the back of his head. such sweet tiny fleeting gestures of babyhood.

homemade monday: the five month mobile

i thought i would make this baby mobile for tristan in my last weeks of pregnancy. but then he arrived five weeks early. so instead of making a mobile in five weeks, i made it in five months.



it's not that it was particularly difficult or even time consuming. though sewing cloth yo-yo's does take some focus. at least for me it does.



i would sometimes sew five in a day. and then not touch it for five days. i would sometimes sew three in a day. and then not touch it for three weeks. i would sometimes sew just one. and then not touch it for a month. so at that pace, you can imagine why it took me as long as it did to sew 48 yo-yo's.



but on saturday i finished the final yo-yo. and on sunday morning i assembled the whole thing.



though not captured on camera, tristan has gazed at it with unprecedented pleasure. and tashi seems to think it's pretty cool too. there is nothing more rewarding.



the project is in the book, sweet booties. now to move onto the next thing. will it be the soft rattle? or the soft blocks? or the quilted bib? or. . .

free form friday: baby swings

it is friday morning and the baby is sleeping, after a two hour wakeful period in the middle of the night.

we have been spoiled by two months of ten hour sleeping-through-the-night stretches! we were shocked and amazed the first few nights he slept for ten hours straight, all by his own choice (we don't do cry it out or sleep training). i was even a little remorseful: what, my baby doesn't want to nurse in the middle of the night??? but ultimately the abundance of sleep has done us all a wealth of good (that is, when dan and i actually choose to go to bed before midnight).

i'm hoping this middle of the night wakeful period -- which he has undertaken two nights in a row -- is just a phase. i actually love middle of the night nursings, if sleep quickly follows! but wakefulness for a couple of hours just * hurts * ! even if it involves tristan's smile that makes us all melty, and his beautiful little breathy voice that fills the room with super-cute!

there is much to navigate ahead. teething (we think he's been teething for months now, what with all the drool and hand chewing). solid foods (he is extremely interested, and, we sense, perhaps a little jealous when we sit down to eat). sitting up. crawling. pulling up. toddling. his little personality is becoming more and more defined, yet each day i still find myself asking, who are you, little treasure?

in the mean time, tashi is a sixth grader. my mind is completely blown by that concept. i am so in love with my daughter, who has a heart as deep as the most ancient wells on earth. i hope that our friendship will hold strong through the rocky adolescent years. i hope those years are not so rocky for her. and i hope she knows that i may not always have the answer, but i will always listen.

this year is a big year for us all.

work wednesday

oh oh. i forgot my camera. so the before, during and after posts will have to be verbal this week. to give you an idea what my work wednesdays are like. hmmmmm, i guess i can use some extra photos from last week!

:: before ::

rise at 6:30am with the baby. nurse. pull on clothes and brush teeth while dan burps the baby. change the baby's diaper & damp clothing. make tashi's lunch while dan holds the baby. nurse. eat pbj on toast. change diaper again. drive to work with baby while listening to wtju, wnrn or 106.1 the corner. spend far too long looking for parking while the baby starts to whimper. walk half a mile once parking is found, wearing baby and carrying two big bags. observe the buildings, the trees, the students, the trash, the gardens, the businesses. kiss my baby's head. crave chai, but skip it.



:: during ::

put tristan in the bouncy seat while i turn on computer, get his sleeping area set up, fill my cup with water and wolf down a banana. nurse while checking email. change diaper. put tristan down on the lambswool for a nap. work like crazy while he naps. hope that he naps for three hours. if he doesn't, live with it. if he doesn't, bounce him on my knee, nurse, sway, kiss his cheeks -- while working all the while. sit on the floor with him if stuffing envelopes or reading documents. change diaper. bring him wide awake to a meeting but it's ok because he does nothing but smile. nurse some more. put him in the sling so that he falls asleep again. work. eat lunch. work. distract him when he wakes up again so i can continue to work. hand him off to eager arms. work. glance at facebook. work. prepare for departure as it's time to pick tashi up from school.



:: after ::

walk back to the car with lighter bags because lunch has been consumed and diapers have been used. observe the buildings, the trees, the students, the trash, the gardens, the businesses. sense tristan drifting into another nap. drive to tashi's school and hang out in pick up line way too long while baby gets restless and starts to whine. tashi jumps into car and makes both tristan and i smile. run errands, hang out at a cafe, visit a thrift store or drive straight home. if lucky, follow horses.

two

sometimes i find myself so overwhelmed with amazement at the fact that i have * two * children! it was a long road to our baby boy. it's a wonder watching them both grow in their unique ways. an honor, really.

sugar snap consignment

when tashi was a baby and we lived in the san francisco bay area, i used to frequent consignment shops that sold kid items. many were the clothes i acquired (as well as an old wooden changing table) from the consignment shops. thrift stores are great, but rather hit or miss. when you walk into a consignment shop that specializes in children's stuff, you are guaranteed some good finds.



just as i was bemoaning the fact that charlottesville had no consignment shops for kidstuff, vijay owens took it upon herself to open one up!



sugar snap consignment, located in york place on charlottesville's downtown mall, has a plethora of items: baby accessories & furnishings, clothing for infants to children size 10, and locally hand crafted items such as awesome wool soakers, pretty hair accessories and paintings and photographs for the nursery. some of those photographs are taken by me!!! [yes i have just slipped in a little shameless self promotion]



consignment is a great way to go, not only for purchases, but for recycling your own items and getting a little return for your efforts. it is also a great idea to buy gifts for the new parents from a consignment shop; vijay has put together some beautiful baby shower baskets filled with the early essentials. so i encourage parents and those seeking gifts to support this new venture in charlottesville, and the wonderful woman who is putting her heart and soul into it!