a good way to start a day

* * * bf * * *


* * * bb * * *

it's only 90 minutes

today is tristan's two month birthday. it's wild to think that if he'd waited until his due date, he'd be only three weeks old, but about the same size. last thursday he was 12lbs 7oz. he is thriving.

i'm a little shy writing about this, shy that i will be judged. shy about whining. shy that it's dull subject matter for most, and perhaps not blog appropriate. but it's been on my mind since the day tristan was born, and this morning, it is what i find falling from my fingertips at the keyboard--

--in a month i will return to work.

on the bright side: i work part time, my hours are extremely flexible, i can work some of my hours from home, i can bring the baby to my workplace and i work with a bunch of awesome people at a place with an awesome mission. on the dark side: is the feeling of dread. i am a barefoot earth mama at heart, and would be perfectly happy staying at home with my kids, squeezing in time to write and sew and collage and photograph and garden, while bringing in some money doing doula work. but in this economy, at the age of 41, with significant rent and a kid in private school, staying at home won't cut it. at least not in the immediate future.

i know we will adjust and it will simply become the new normal. dan's hours are flexible for when i'm finding it challenging having to drag a baby and a 'tween into my workplace. my mother has said that she would move to virginia should i need alternate child care. but i will first see how well i can juggle it on my own: the baby, the work, the wish to craft, the young daughter on the brink of adolescence.

i worry about how it will be when tristan is crawling and then walking. i worry about being preoccupied with work matters, when i'd rather that energy be spent mothering. i worry about being overwhelmed, about not having any time to pursue my creative interests, about the doula work possibly falling aside in favor of the guaranteed paycheck.

but i know that really, i am extremely fortunate.

i have already started clocking some hours working from home. and today i am attending a work related seminar. it's only 90 minutes. dan will take that time away from his work, meet me in the parking lot, take off in the car with the baby, pick up tashi from school, come back and meet me with the children when i'm done, and work a little later to make up for the time he was away. surely tristan will make it for 90 minutes without needing to nurse. he will probably be asleep in the car seat the whole time. but will i remain alert through the seminar? will i even manage to make it there on time, showered and well fed? will my mushy mommy brain be able to wrap itself around the subject matter while my breast milk lets down and the sound of tristan's sweet coo fills my ears? it's only 90 minutes.

these are the thoughts on my mind this steamy, rainy morning, as i sit next to my sweet little boy, who dreams under the ceiling fan, and with each new day, grows and changes.

official member of the fan club

five minute post

i say that because the baby has been waking up every five minutes today. more daytime wakefulness is probably a good thing, so that he doesn't continue to stay up until 1am every night. but it sure makes it hard to eat lunch, clean the spit up off the floor, do the necessary load of laundry so that there will be diaper wraps, brush my own teeth, etc!

yet i am going to sneak in a blog entry, because i need to. i just need to check in.

oh and, we've learned something very special. the baby will fall asleep by himself if placed on the bed directly under the ceiling fan. last night i placed him there because i had to go to the bathroom (even taking a pee involves strategy). who needs baby mobiles when you have ceiling fans. anyway, when i came back from the bathroom, he was asleep!!!! i didn't sing to him, rock him, walk him or nurse him. the ceiling fan did it all. today, with his lack of settling, i did the same thing, and he fell right asleep, under the comfort of the ceiling fan! crazy, i say.

the weather is lovely, though i feel the impending virginia humidity making it's way.



yesterday i visited the barn swallow. a lovely place that i worked at when i first moved to virginia.



a place of reflections, wood grain and the colors of earth & sea.



a place of fragile beauty, amazing light and pleasing juxtapositions.



i always feel very much at peace there. except for all the things i wish i could buy but can't afford. . .

tonight we are going to a birthday party for a very special one year old whose birth i witnessed. i offered to make guacamole. and since i've exceeded my five minutes already, i better get on with it! wishing you all a lovely holiday weekend full of the tastes of summer.

making me smile

* the way tristan smacks his lips when he's done nursing. good stuff that breast milk.

* that dan and i were able to catch up on some sleep while tashi was in nyc. no jumping out of bed at 6:45am to get her ready for school.

* the lady's slippers growing along our road

* tashi's excitement after the waldorf olympics in garden city, ny. along with her classmates, she climbed off the train with a metal around her neck and a laurel garland on her head.

* that it's friday, meaning my loves will be home all weekend, between band gigs and baseball games, that is.

* chai milkshakes

* that tashi has gained so much physical confidence through baseball this season.

* the white irises in our yard.

* my cat luna who walked down the road with us like a pet dog. she stopped obediently well before the main road, waited there until our return, and then walked home with us.

* free music. like the ginny pigdogs, a band that my friend/doula stasi york is in. we saw them at cafe milano last night before picking up tashi from the train station.

i hope your weekend is full of music, flowers, a favorite milkshake and people that make you smile.

spit fashion

i spent an entire nap time cranking out bibs today. all are backed by flannel, except for the bottom right bib, which is backed by a red washcloth (i have several unused red washcloths that have now found their purpose). tristan has developed a rather voluminous spit up habit, and bibs definitely minimize the number of times we have to change his damp, milk sour clothing.

though he appears a bit dubious, does he not?



the above bib is made from indian khadi cut from some pj's that no longer fit me due to shrinkage. i bought those pj's in delhi, at the Khadi Gramodyog Bhavan, one of the last purchases i made in that great land.

the view from here

it is a morning of illuminated leaves.

tristan lies in a little bundle next to me, making soft and sometimes not-so-soft sounds.

yesterday was probably one of his most wakeful days, but then he was asleep by 9:30 at night, waking every few hours to nurse, drifting easily back into sleep. this is far preferable to the 8pm to 1am wakeful stretch, something he has done a number of times. or the two hour stints from 3am to 5am, for example.

i think of the day ahead of me. that it is not raining! hopefully we can take a nice walk and visit the horses.



and hopefully i can check a couple of things off of the to-do list. one simply can't be too ambitious with a six week old. several hours later i find myself completing a task that should have taken only five minutes. the tea i prepare in the morning might sit on the counter only to be consumed in the afternoon. the baby mobile might be complete by the time he is in kindergarten. and maybe by autumn i'll have sorted and arranged all of our summer clothes.

but for now i will enjoy the morning light, a moment of relaxation and reflection, and the variety of sounds emerging from the little bundle that lies next to me.

easy rider

10 pounds 7.5 ounces today. that's nearly a full pound since last wednesday!

a few good firsts

despite the monsoon we've had an active weekend of firsts for tristan. on friday he went to his first baseball game, in which tashi stole two bases and scored a point for her team (a first for her). it was an exciting game and her team won the tie breaker. tristan slept through the whole game of course.



on saturday tristan visited the farmer's market for the first time and met some vendor-friends in his sleep. i purchased this tiny painting of an aries by jeremy kirchgraber for our little ram.



afterwards, we had lunch at milano, where tristan met more friends (while sleeping still). it was a delicious, and affordable, lunch. i highly recommend their sauteed romaine salad with pine nuts and blue cheese. nyum. here are my loves at milano:





a while later we visited tashi's favorite store, alakazam, where we were given a free family pass for the discoveroo family music festival, slated for sunday in the pavilion! cool!

that night, tristan had a growth spurt. just like that. he was super cranky, wanted to eat constantly and was awake from 6:30pm to 12:30am. six hours of wakefulness? this was a first. i haven't weighed him again, but he's definitely put on some ounces!

on sunday, despite the fatigue, and the pouring rain, we got ourselves together and went to the discoveroo event, tristan's first music festival, which he attended in his sleep of course. it was an excellent little happening, indeed. it was somewhat ironic seeing bands with names like 6 day bender and the young divorcees singing children's songs.



in the mean time, our yard continues to be a place of floral surprises. can anyone identify the big hot pink blossom at the top of this entry?


columbine


trillium

baseball, food, growth, music & flowers, these are the good things in life!

do-nothing day

yesterday we tried the bath again and tristan loved it. not a complaint, just some excited feet and arm movements. afterwards he was an incredibly peaceful baby, hanging out on the lambswool and gazing for an eternity at light slanting through blinds. when i picked him up he nestled his head against my shoulder and fell into a deep sleep. there is nothing like the feeling of a completely relaxed baby nestled up against you, sometimes cooing like a dove.

today is just sort of drifting by. the baby is sleeping and nursing and sleeping and nursing. and i am nursing and sitting and nursing and gazing and nursing and surfing and nursing and filling out paper-work. but i'm not doing laundry or making cloth yo yo's or sorting. i'm not cleaning house or finishing the edges of old receiving blankets cut up and turned into burp rags. i'm not reading much or taking very many photos. i am not even napping. it's almost dinner time and i've really got nothing to say for this day. except that i am so in love with my baby boy that sometimes just sitting and nursing and gazing and nursing and surfing and nursing is all that i really need to do in a day to feel totally fulfilled. but i sure wish he'd wake up and share his big eyes with me! i may have to start mentally preparing myself for the late night tristan wakey party. . .

by the way, today is tristan's actual "due date." and today he is five weeks old! he is weighing in at 9.5 pounds, the same weight as tashi when she was born.

spring sun, spring storms

we are enjoying this season of change. every day the yard fills out with new leaves and blossoms. every day our little boy opens his eyes for longer stretches, gazes further into the distance, looks at us with bemused almost-smiles, and increases in heft and strength and edible cheeks. tashi sketches the changes in the world around her, rides her bike back and forth in the driveway, grows more skilled in baseball as the season commences and her team readies for its second game. the changes come so quickly and then night falls, bringing with it the brightest stars, under which there is sleeping and waking and more transformation to be revealed in the morning light.



i think tristan and i will have a regular morning meditation on the porch swing. each time i sit there with him, he settles and gazes, spring blossoms reflecting in the pools of his eyes. and then he sleeps, birdsong in his ears.



he's been introduced to many new things lately.

books.



cloth dolls.



horses (he is all tucked in the sling there).



and this morning, a first bath in his little tub (his cord stump just fell off this week). i have no photos of his first bath, because he was rather unhappy with it, unfortunately. water the wrong temperature? tub not comfortable? or just not in the mood? what irks a little baby is often times a mystery, but it is hard to see him unhappy, and then feel the stress escalate, and then find that dan and i are snapping at each other because we have differing theories about what is causing the problem. but the little storms always pass, and the little baby never seems to love us any less.

wip: baby mobile

there is a cool baby mobile in sweet booties. it involves making 48 fabric yo-yos, stringing them together, and attaching them to a embroidery hoop covered with satin ribbon. in these interrupted and somewhat distracted days, it will take me forever to make the yo-yos. but i'm working on it.

and i've learned how to make fabric yo-yos. there are so many surprises in the galaxy of needle and thread!

out & about

dan's sister barb & her husband dan visited this weekend. the weather was stunning, so we decided it was a good time to introduce tristan to the big world. his only outings have included two visits to the doctor's office, and a couple of walks around the yard. so we bundled him into the car and were off! (the carseat terrifies me, the way his head flops around. how will i ever go anywhere alone with him?)

the moby wrap served us well; he hung out in it almost the whole time we walked around the downtown mall. we visited the pavilion, where there was an ecofest and some really good music. unfortunately, as is the way with the pavilion, it was just too loud for newborn ears. we visited a few stores, and nursed on a good bench outside cha cha's boutique, under the mirror ornaments that sprinkle colorful drops of light upon all who pass. after some more walking we hunkered down in mudhouse for a while where i continued to resist the urge for coffee.



finally, we ate dinner at a bustling beer run. i had a delicious plate of perfectly grilled veggies atop pesto pasta. it was so good. as was the small glass of amber ale. we were given a table in a private nook outside, and it couldn't have been a more splendid day for eating out of doors.



tristan was content, and mostly sleeping, the whole time. when we got home he had nice long wakeful period, and then a mostly good night on the sleep front.



and so it is sunday, the orthodox easter, and tashi's first baseball game of the season. my mother will be cooking up a feast!

tristan's first nikes

those of you who perused coraline.com before seeing the movie may have learned about the nike dunk shoe giveaway. in order to enter your name in a sweepstakes for a pair of hand sewn nikes, you had to wait for the code word at the very end of the credits. and so tashi and i did that. the credits were worth sitting through anyway, as there was some really good 3-d action. when i got home i entered the code word and both of our names for a pair of funky shoes. and guess who won a pair? me!

well, so, they arrived today. and guess what. the size 8.5 i received is a men's size 8.5. that would be way too big for me, but certainly not big enough for dan. i wrote to the give away folks, and they pointed me to the rules page which clearly points out the available sizes are men's sizes. i was told, "we are unable to exchange prizes." i even begged a little.

if i'd gone two sizes less, i probably would be taking a walk in my funky new hightops with black coraline buttons at the top of the laces. but noooooo. lesson learned: read the rules!

so i was feeling rather sad about it all and thinking, well, maybe i can sell them someday on ebay for a huge wad of cash. that really wasn't making me feel any better because when a girl wants to wear a pair of new shoes, there's just no getting around it. then i realized, i can save them for tristan. and that made me really happy.

though i probably would still exchange them if they let me. does that make me a totally selfish mom?

spring colors

the yard is really beginning to show its colors. rhododendron and azalea, dogwood and redbud are competing for attention. tristan's wakeful periods are getting longer, which keeps our attention on him. the longer i can gaze into those of eyes of his, the better. but he's also been a little uncomfortable of late. it appears to be indigestion, though it could just be newborn adjustments to life on earth. i had some luck this evening putting him in the moby wrap for the first time. it was like tucking him back into the womb.



on easter (which is ostara) there was the obligatory egg hunt. yia yia grilled up some delicious souvlaki for dinner. if cyprus had a flavor, it would be souvlaki. i enjoyed a momentary visit to my homeland, if only by mastication.



and so it continues. the timeless tick of days passing. while all things unfold in the spring damp, our miracle unfolds in the dry spring interior of our home.

beyond time

it's strange how several feedings and a few diapers later -- with a nap thrown in -- a day can disappear. we are beyond time around here -- morning, late night, early afternoon -- they are all one. tristan is still sleeping a lot, but everything revolves around his wakeful periods. so if he is wide eyed and bushy tailed at 3am, so are we. because who could ever resist those other worldly orbs of his?



yia yia arrived on monday, and they seem to have taken to each other quite well.



yes, it's a pretty constant love fest around here.



at moments it's been hard to relax. with tristan arriving five weeks early, certain things were not in place (like his clothing). so i've squeezed in moments of sorting, arranging and running off to a store or two for newborn size garments (i didn't really think i was going to have a baby less than ten pounds; tashi was nine and half after all). but i think i've had enough of that for the time being. there is something so sacred about these early days, and being in a department store scrubs away the dream dust. i'm just not quite ready for that!

so now that our basic necessities are in place, i can sleep a little more when the baby sleeps. my favorite is to sleep with the baby on my chest. his warmth, breath, and small cooing sounds are my lullaby.

and i didn't manage to make some items from sweet booties as i had hoped to before his arrival. so perhaps some sewing is on the horizon. we shall see, because whether the sun is rising or setting on the horizon, we are just so relieved our second child is here with us as time quietly passes.