Thursday, August 02, 2007

A is for Angry

one of my biggest challenges in life continues to be working out my anger. some kind of fury found its way in me when i was an early teen and continues to present itself in shadowy ways. while my voice level and my words are sometimes vehicles for my anger, it manifests itself mostly in other constructive and destructive modes of my life. it is not an anger that strikes out physically in any way, but the anger of a hurt that coats me at times with a rich red oil paint or disappears me into the whites of a negative print.

many of my favorite female singers are angry ones: patti smith, pj harvey, kim gordon. even joni mitchell had her bitterness. while living in seattle i loved going to seven year bitch concerts, and mia zapata of the gits was pure goddess. seeing a woman exercise her venom was oftentimes religious. in the trance there was hope.

i'm angry at those that support the war, and those that started it and those that voted for it. i'm angry at those that think their religion is superior and the ONLY way. i'm angry about the massive field of destruction carved out by those driven by maniacal greed and power. i'm angry about the food industry and the medical industry. i'm angry at clear cut, smog choked, subdivision slashed, gun hunger. i'm angry at vengeance and racism and theft and classism and hierarchy. i'm angry about sexism and abuse and murder.

i'm angry because of: blatant lies. the absence of attention. white knuckles & thin lips. curses. the continuation of bad decisions. abandonment.

while i sometimes find myself in positions where i have to use all my power to keep the internal fire serpent tied up at its post, i know also that it is a fuel for much that i have and will accomplish. it has taught me something about alchemy. it has forced me to learn about breathing and meditation and yoga. it continues to focus me on humility, letting go, and turning the tide. through healing i will also be able to heal.

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